nothing to see here

well, they're not. there *are* two critics who will be attending, or perhaps they did last night, but i don't know if they'll actually write anything.
but here are my thoughts, anyway, and in no particular order.



thursday after dress, or sometime during the process, it became clear in my mind that, given that all the other dancers are doing two or three 15 minute pieces, to be nervous about my little five minutes was really kind of pretentious or overblown or something. ruth says that as long as that helps me get through the night, she won't burst the bubble.

thursday at dress, things happened. things went wrong, got wrinkled, got ironed out, got overwhelming. i got to watch. it's a stays-in-vegas kind of thing. though, it's amazing to me, how much every dancer there is saying all the stuff i'm saying: i'm too fat, i'm not good enough, i can't do it, i'm not worthy to dance for courtney, i'm out of my comfort zone, i'm totally completely out of my mind nervous...i was kind of shocked. and then i wasn't.


friday...
marcus brought me a flower. he brought white roses for all the dancers. i started to stammer that i - i wasn't a dancer, but ended up just saying thank you. marcus laughed. later, magda and madeleine smiled in approval when i explained to amber that i had gotten the flower because i was one of the dancers.
i am really looking forward to starting classes with marcus next week.

the stage is *astoundingly* dark when it's dark. even if all you have to do is walk, forward in a straight line in the direction in which you are already facing, you feel completely turned around and disoriented. magda had to pull me off stage.

my shoes are *loud*. that's obnoxious.

we got back to the dressing room and ruth was like, what was that, with your feet? i had, in fact, tangled my heels in the turn, but i was pretty sure it wasn't visible and definitely not by her, given her back was to me.
yeah, i tripped over my foot, how did you know?
i could *hear* it.
feh!

i really wasn't nervous. not until we were standing there, waiting to go on stage. still, it's a hard piece for ruth, coming right on the heels of rondo like that, and i like how it feels to look at her firmly, the times when we are choreographed to do that, and push "it's going to be fine" as loudly as i can through my eyeballs. you can't do that if you're nervous, and because i like how it feels more than i need to be nervous, my stomach calms.
if only my legs would give up the shaking!

friends said they did not, in fact, notice the time i caught my foot. they did notice that my body shook some, when she slides forward on my arm: most of her weight is on me there and she needs the support. i'm not shaking there because i'm nervous, but because it's difficult. nix said it's ok though, cause all the pushups paid off and my arm looks all muscley when we do that. i'm *totally* willing to be a little shakey if i get to look all muscley doing it. billy said i had nice lines, and he should know - he knows from dancers, so i'm officially unconcerned for the rest of the shows.

nixon also said that i look like a giant next to ruth and the other dancers on the stage. i wasn't offended, since i was cast in part for that reason.

bowing is silly. not only is it silly, but i'm totally not going to tell you how much time and anxiety is wrapped up in how it's going to go. entirely, silly.

program notes: hee! i'm "the Other woman".
apparently, i'm also a dancer.
the reprise of quang's "likes to dance" was intentional: late one night on the kitchen floor with ruth and billy, pressed for time on the bio. i couldn't come up with anything better than that. billy pointed out that eventually it could become a theme for ruth, every time she works with a non-professional. hee.
the alternative might have read: katja swift has performed with ruth regularly throughout boston over the past year. prior to that, she has danced with the pokrovsky ensemble, the landsdowne company, and in her living room. *giggle*

and also? yay for an armfull of flowers!



ok. actual thoughts about the show itself!


the show is a good mix of styles. whatever you like, you'll get some. my favorite piece is gitanas, the piece that gino made for ruth and lucy. it's STUNNING. on seeing it, i've pretty much vowed that whatever i have to do to my body, i'm getting back into pointe shoes, because i want to do THAT. of course, what i will do in pointe shoes can't be that, because it was made for them specifically and my strengths will be different, but something like that. maybe by next spring.
the "super-modern" stuff is totally unaccessible to me. in fact, it's not actually modern - all the really not-dance pieces in the show are from the fifties, and they're quite famous. i suppose in the fifties, that was pretty earth shattering, but i just can't get into it. amber, on the other hand, really likes that stuff. she also likes kale, fish, kimchi, avocado, and boiled eggs. i learned to like those things, so maybe there's hope for me and modern someday.
i also like slightly broken. stuff like that, and like gitanas, that's my ideal kind of dance right now. slightly broken makes me uncomfortable because it's *almost* pretty, and it reflects back at me the feelings about myself that look like that. i like tidbit, too - it's just really cute, and they do a good job with it. the poem is alright. i like our piece a lot (i just want to see it from the front! ben, hurry up with the dvd :-) )

amber loved the whole show and particularly liked being back stage after trois femmes, hanging out with the dancers.




that? was fun.
let's do it again.